Guilt
by oldmule
Summary: H/R guilt and feelings post 9.8. Difficult questions to be answered as a psychologist analyses their relationship and then turns into fluff!
1. Chapter 1

Ever written something and thought 'what the bloody hell was all that about?' Well, this is it. Apologies for ramblings.

* * *

**GUILT**

**_MI5 internal Inquiry. Harry Pearce Psychological Interview._**

_PSY_: Do you feel any guilt at the knowledge you have given away a state secret?

_HP_: Yes

_PSY_: Would you do it again?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ Can you live with the guilt?

_HP:_ I live with guilt every day.

_PSY:_ What kind of guilt?

_HP:_ The kind that means I have failed all the officers I have lost.

_PSY:_ But you didn't lose this officer, this time?

_HP:_ No and that is why I would do it again.

_PSY:_ Is this officer different to the others?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY: _ Why?

_HP:_ Because this time I could do something.

_PSY:_ Was this officer more important than the others?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ Why?

_HP: _

_PSY:_ You fail to give an answer?

_HP:_ I choose to not give an answer.

_PSY:_ You realise how that will be viewed? Why was she more important?

_HP_: I failed her once before, twice before, but not a third time.

**_MI5 internal Inquiry. Ruth Evershed Psychological Interview._**

PSY_:_ Do you feel any guilt at the knowledge that a state secret was given up to save your life?

RE_:_ Yes.

_PSY_: Would you prefer otherwise?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ You would have preferred to be sacrificed?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY_: Why?

_RE:_ It was my turn.

_PSY:_ Your turn to die? Like your friends and colleagues before you?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY_: Would you have chosen to die if you had known that a weapon would not be sacrificed? If you had known that the only thing to be given up was a fake, a deterrent?

_RE:_ But it wasn't.

PSY: But hypothetically would you have felt the same?

_RE:_ No, I suppose not.

_PSY_: Do you know why Harry Pearce chose the option he did?

_RE:_ Yes, I think so.

_PSY:_ Why?

_RE:_

_PSY:_ Was it because he has feelings for you?

_RE: _

_PSY:_ Was it?

_RE:_ Yes, I believe so.

_PSY_: And how do you feel about that?

_RE:_ Guilty.

**_MI5 internal Inquiry_. Harry Pearce Psychological Interview**

_PSY_: You feel guilty for failing her?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ In what way?

_HP_: I failed to find a way to protect her in the past and for that, for me she had to flee.

_PSY:_ And the second thing, you mentioned?

_HP:_ I failed to stop the death of her husband.

_PSY:_ Her husband? I would have thought you would feel glad at his demise?

_HP: _

_PSY:_ You're angry I should suggest that?

_HP_: Yes.

_PSY:_ Angry because I am wrong or because I am right?

_HP:_ I didn't want her hurt.

_PSY:_ But you were glad she might return to you?

_HP:_

_PSY:_ Did you want her back?

_HP:_ She was never mine to have back.

_PSY_: But you wanted her back, with you, near you?

_HP:_ Yes.

**_MI5 internal Inquiry_. _Ruth Evershed Psychological Interview._**

_PSY_: What do you feel guilty about?

_RE:_ What don't I feel guilty about?

_PSY_: Who's asking the questions?

_RE_: I feel guilty about so many things.

_PSY:_ Tell me.

_RE:_ I can't.

_PSY:_ Your husband, he died.

_RE:_ He was murdered.

_PSY_: Do you blame Harry?

_RE:_ No.

_PSY_: Do you blame the group who held him?

_RE:_ No.

_PSY:_ Who do you blame?

_RE:_ Me.

_PSY:_ Why? Explain?

_RE:_ If he hadn't met me he would be alive.

_PSY:_ But you were happy with him?

_RE:_ Yes. I was with him, lived with him, was happy with him but…

_PSY:_ But?

_RE:_ But I thought of Harry.

_PSY:_ And then Harry let him die?

_RE:_ No, Harry did what he had to do.

_PSY:_ You don't blame him?

_RE:_ No, I blame me.

_PSY:_ You feel guilty?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ And why else do you feel guilty?

_RE: _Because I should have grieved for him? I should have grieved for him for years, people do, don't they. They don't get over it.

_PSY_: But you did?

_RE:_ I thought about Harry.

_PSY:_ Not George?

_RE:_ No.

**_MI5 internal Inquiry. Harry Pearce Psychological Interview._**

_PSY:_ You are willing to give up your career for her, what about your life?

_HP:_ That too.

_PSY:_ Why?

_HP:_

_PSY:_ Why?

_HP:_ Because she's worth it.

_PSY:_ Why else?

_HP:_ Because…

_PSY:_ Why?

_HP: _

_PSY:_ Do you love her?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ Wouldn't it be better for your case if you didn't admit this to me?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ And so why do you?

_HP:_ Because I choose not to deny it any more.

_PSY:_ Have you told her this?

_HP:_ No.

**_MI5 internal Inquiry. Ruth Evershed Psychological Interview._**

_PSY:_ He has given up everything for you?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ How do you feel about that?

_RE:_ I wish he hadn't.

_PSY:_ Why?

_RE:_ Because I feel guilty.

_PSY:_ Why?

_RE:_ Because he has given up so much for me.

_PSY:_ But you gave up so much for him.

_RE:_ That was different.

_PSY:_ Why? You're allowed to be noble and make the grand gesture but he isn't?

_RE:_ No it's not like that.

_PSY:_ Then what is it like?

_RE:_ He deserved it. I don't.

* * *

There could be more but I don't know what it is and I doubt whether there will be the appetite for it, but tell me what you think anyway - I can take it!


	2. Chapter 2

You lot never fail to amaze me with your enthusiasm, thank you. So, after a trip to the gym I now know where I'm going with this! So this chapter in a similar vein and then the interviews with grid members past and present. Eventually we will reach a conclusion.

* * *

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Ruth Evershed Psychological Interview**_

_PSY_: Are you dealing with your guilt?

_RE:_ No.

_PSY:_ Would you like to?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ Do you feel your work suffers in any way from the way you feel?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ Would you like to expand upon that?

_RE:_ No, not really.

_PSY:_ Let me put it another way. Please expand upon that.

_RE: _

_PSY_: You have to expand upon that.

_RE: _I think I make work more difficult for him.

_PSY_: For Harry?

_RE:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ How so.

_RE:_ I push him away.

_PSY:_ Always?

_RE:_ No.

_PSY:_ And the times when you don't?

RE: Then I reach out for him.

_PSY:_ But you don't reach too far?

_RE:_ No.

_PSY_: What stops you?

_RE:_ My guilt.

_PSY:_ Over?

_RE:_ How can I be married to Harry when I couldn't grieve for George. How could I be happy with Harry when all our friends are dead. Why should I be allowed to be happy.

* * *

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Harry Pearce Psychological Interview.**_

_PSY:_ So you want Ruth near you, you admit you love her?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ Why do you not tell her?

_HP:_ It's complicated.

_PSY:_ How complicated can it be?

_HP:_ You don't know Ruth.

_PSY:_ And if I were to talk to Ruth, ever, what would she say about you?

_HP:_ That she used to respect me, before this.

_PSY:_ Is that all?

_HP:_ That we work together well.

_PSY:_ And personally?

_HP:_ That it's complicated.

_PSY:_ And so round in circles.

_HP:_ Always.

_PSY:_ Do you always work together well?

_HP:_ We did.

_PSY:_ And now? Now is different?

_HP:_ It has been a little awkward since..

_PSY:_ Since?

_HP:_ Since I proposed to her.

_PSY:_ Really?

_HP:_ Yes, really.

_PSY:_ So you haven't ever told her that you loved her but you have proposed?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ And how did that go?

_HP:_

_PSY:_ I presume from that look, not well.

_HP:_ No.

_PSY:_ That made work a little more difficult?

_HP:_ Yes.

_PSY:_ You were upset she said no?

_HP_: I was upset that she couldn't even imagine us together.

_PSY_: And?

_HP_: She thought we were as 'together' as we could ever be.

_PSY_: And you think differently?

_HP_: No, I _know_ differently.

* * *

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Ruth Evershed Psychological Interview**_

_PSY_: You just said "How could I be married to Harry". Do you think about that?

_RE_: Sometimes.

_PSY_: Why?

_RE_: He asked me.

_PSY_: He asked you to marry him?

_RE_: Yes.

_PSY_: And you said no?

_RE_: Yes.

_PSY_: Do you regret that?

_RE_: Sometimes.

_PSY_: Why?

_RE_: Because I love him.

_PSY_: You realise that's the first time you've told me that?

_RE_: It's the first time I've said it out loud.

_PSY_: And how does it feel?

_RE_: Easier than I thought.

_PSY_: Could you ever say it to him.

_RE_: No.

_PSY_: Why not?

_RE_: Because.

_PSY_: Because you shouldn't be allowed to be happy with him?

_RE_: Yes.

_PSY_: Could you be happy with someone else, someone who doesn't hold the same memories and the same guilt over George?

_RE_: Yes.

_PSY_: So why don't you?

_RE_: I don't want anyone else.

* * *

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Harry Pearce Psychological Interview.**_

_PSY_:I need you to answer me the next question as truthfully as you can.

_HP_:

_PSY_: I'm sorry, I realise you have been very honest with me.

_HP_: Brutally.

_PSY_: Yes, indeed. So my question is, if Albany had been real, could do what it was thought capable of, would you have exchanged it for Ruth's life?

_HP_:

_PSY_: Harry?

_HP_: No.

_PSY_: Why not?

_HP_: It could have meant the deaths of millions.

_PSY_: Versus one life.

_HP_: Sometimes it's all just mathematics.

_PSY_: You would have tried to find her in the time Lucas gave you?

_HP_: Of course.

_PSY_: Would you have succeeded?

_HP_: No, I believe not.

_PSY_: And if she had died how would you have felt?

_HP_:

_PSY_: You choose not to answer?

_HP_:

_PSY_: Harry?

_HP_: I can't answer.

* * *

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Ruth Evershed Psychological Interview**_

_PSY: _Have you never thought that the reason you are unhappy is because you are not with Harry?

_RE_: I can't be happy with him, or without him.

_PSY_: Why can't you be happy with him?

_RE_: He makes me remember how unfair I was to George.

_PSY_: You were with George because you couldn't be with Harry?

_RE_: Yes.

_PSY_: But given a choice you would always choose Harry?

_RE_: With Harry there is no choice.

_PSY_: What do you mean?

_RE_:

_PSY_: Did you have the chance to be with him before you went to Cyprus?

_RE_: Yes.

_PSY_: So what happened?

_RE_: I was scared.

_PSY_: Ruth, what makes you want to get up in the morning?

_RE_: Seeing Harry.

_PSY_: What do you think about besides work at night when you are alone?

_RE_: Harry.

_PSY_: Ruth, you were with the wrong man in George, you know that. Your guilt is not that you were unfair to George. Your guilt is that you betrayed Harry.

_RE_: But I thought I'd never see him again.

_PSY_: But you did and now you are punishing for what you feel you have done, for your unfaithfulness. Is that true?

_RE_: I don't know.

_PSY_: Have you thought of it that way before?

_RE_: No.

_PSY_: Does it make sense?

_RE_: Yes.


	3. Chapter 3

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Tariq Masood.**_

_PSY_: Tariq, may I call you Tariq?

_TM_: Yes.

_PSY_: Don't worry, nothing you can say will damn Sir Harry one way or the other.

_TM_: If you say so.

_PSY_: Tell me, when you began working in Section D was Ruth Evershed there?

_TM_: No she came back just after I started.

_PSY_: How do you feel about her?

_TM_: She's tremendous. The best. She thinks differently to everyone else, sees things none of the rest of us would see. It's like she thinks on a different level.

_PSY_: And you clearly admire that?

_TM_: We wouldn't function as well without it, without her.

_PSY_: You were there the day Lucas abducted her?

_TM_: Yes.

_PSY_: How do you feel thinking back to that moment?

_TM_: Guilty.

_PSY_:

_TM_: Why are you smiling?

_PSY_: There just seems a lot of it about. Forgive me. Why do you feel guilty?

_TM_: Because I should have stopped him?

_PSY_: Lucas?

_TM_: Yes, I should have protected Ruth but it was all so quick?

_PSY_: He was stronger than you?

_TM_: Yes, but I should have done something?

_PSY_: And if you had?

_TM_: Then Ruth would have been safe and Harry wouldn't be in the position he is now. It's partly my fault.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Malcolm Wynn Jones.**_

_PSY_: Thank you for coming in Malcolm, I realise you didn't have to.

_MWJ_: Anything I can do to help Harry.

_PSY: _You still feel a loyalty towards him?

_MWJ_: Yes, and I still consider him a friend.

_PSY_: And Ruth?

_MWJ_: Yes, and Ruth too.

_PSY_: You have known them both longer than most.

_MWJ_: Yes, I believe I have.

_PSY_: And what do you think of them?

_MWJ_: I would say they are the best two people at their jobs that I have ever met.

_PSY_: And together?

_MWJ_: And together they make the most formidable team.

_PSY_: I actually meant together, as in together as a couple?

_MWJ_: As a couple they make the most frustrating, awkward, hopeless, well suited pair I have ever known. It is hard to believe they can be so incredibly capable at work and so indescribably useless privately.

_PSY_: Yes, I think I'm beginning to see what you mean.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Beth Bailey.**_

_BB_: I'm not saying anything against Harry.

_PSY_: I'm not asking you to, Miss Bailey.

_BB_: Good, because I won't.

PSY: So, you are relatively new to Section D?

BB: Yes.

PSY: And what is your opinion of Sir Harry?

BB: He is the most capable, most admirable, most loyal man I have ever met.

PSY: Was he right to give up Albany?

BB:

PSY: Why do you not answer?

BB: He was placed in an intolerable situation and we as his team let him down.

PSY: You let him down?

BB: Yes.

PSY: How so?

BB: If we had maintained our tail of Lucas we would have been able to recover Albany.

PSY: And why did you fail in that?

BB:

PSY: Miss Bailey?

BB:

PSY: Why? You can tell me, I will not judge you.

BB: I think it was my bullet that killed Maya. Lucas abandoned her body and that meant we had no way of tracking him.

PSY: And you feel guilty because of this?

BB: If she'd have stayed with Lucas we would have taken them both.

PSY: You feel guilty for killing an innocent woman?

BB: No I feel guilty for losing Albany and failing Harry.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Alec White.**_

_PSY_: It's good to see you Alec.

_AW_: Wish I could say the same, though this fortunately isn't about me, is it?

_PSY_: No, no, it's not.

_AW_: So?

_PSY_: So, you have little to lose and have had little time for loyalty. Your answers may be interesting.

_AW_: We'll see.

PSY: Your opinion, from an outsider looking in on the relationship between Sir Harry Pearce and Ruth Evershed?

AW: They don't have a relationship. That's the problem

PSY: What are you saying?

AW: They love each other in the noblest way, from afar.

PSY: And do you think this affected Harry's decision making.

AW: Yes but at the same time he was doing everything possible to recover Albany. He was just unlucky.

PSY: You think giving away a weapon of mass destruction 'unlucky'?

AW: No, I consider it a bloody disaster, but he was facing unusual and difficult circumstances.

PSY: Do you feel any loyalty towards him.

AW: Yes, I think he is by far the best man for the job and you would be crazy to get rid of him.

PSY: Do you feel any guilt in the part you played in it?

AW: No.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Tariq Masood.**_

_PSY_: When Ruth returned did you see any change in Harry?

_TM_: I hadn't known him that well but I would say he seemed happier.

_PSY_: Happier?

_TM_: More settled, balanced. Sometimes I'd catch him looking at her, actually often I'd catch him looking at her.

_PSY_: And Ruth?

_TM_: Yes her too, they were both as bad as each other.

_PSY_: Has anything changed recently between them?

_TM_: Yes since Ros's funeral things have seemed a little strained between them. I thought it was something to do with Lucas but now I'm not so sure.

_PSY_: Have they been harder or easier to work with since then, would you say?

_TM_: Harder. All things revolve around them. They are our glue.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Dimitri Levendes.**_

_PSY_: Dimitri, how do you find Sir Harry?

_DL_: He's the best.

_PSY_: Ruth Evershed?

_DL_: The best.

_PSY_: Was Harry's decision a correct one?

_DL_: No comment.

_PSY_: You have to have an opinion?

_DL_: No comment.

_PSY_: Is he in love with her?

_DL_: If he was, who would blame him.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Beth Bailey.**_

_PSY_: Beth, how do you think Ruth feels about Harry?

_BB_: She loves him.

_PSY_: Has she told him, do you think?

_BB_: I doubt it.

_PSY_: Do you think she should?

_BB_: Yes.

_PSY_: Why?

_BB_: They'd be happy.

_PSY_: Do you think Harry made the right choice to give up Albany for Ruth.

_BB_: He made a choice. It's easy to judge when you're not in that position.

_PSY_: Could you have made the same choice if you had had to?

_BB_: No, I couldn't have given up Albany knowing what it can do.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Malcolm Wynn Jones.**_

_MWJ_: Harry is the only man there is who can make the decisions he makes. It takes a tremendous amount to live with those decisions. I am sure he would have been attempting to save Ruth whilst at the same time protecting Albany.

_PSY_: Could his feelings for Ruth have swayed his decision?

_MWJ_: Slightly but not significantly.

_PSY_: You are very protective?

_MWJ_: I should be. It's really my fault they are in this situation.

_PSY_: How so? How can you feel guilt for his decision when you are no longer even active?

_MWJ_: If it hadn't been for me opening my big mouth they would probably be married now and this inquiry would not be necessary.

_PSY_: You've lost me?

_MWJ_: They were seeing each other, no that's wrong, far too far advanced for them. They had been on one dinner date and I told Ruth I was happy for them. She couldn't bear the thought of people talking about them and ended anything that may have been starting, even though it was clear how they both felt.

_PSY_: And when she came back?

_MWJ_: It was still Harry she thought about. You could tell in the way she asked about him, he'd never left her mind.

_PSY_: And you still feel guilty after all this time?

_MWJ_: Especially after all of this time.

_**MI5 internal Inquiry. Section D Psychological Interviews – Alec White.**_

_PSY_: Would you say Ruth loves Harry?

_AW_: Look at them together, when they're not besieged by awkwardness, they look like a couple, they act like a couple. The only problem is they can't see themselves as a couple. Actually I think Harry can. And if I was him that would kill me.

* * *

**Psychologist's report to the enquiry next up. Hope you're still enjoying.**


	4. Chapter 4

This is a little heavy going as there are several characters but do your worst - all I can say is that I see considerably fluff ahead in the future!

* * *

_**Transcript of MI5 Internal Inquiry against Sir Harry Pearce.**_

_**Those present – Home Secretary, DG, Head of Internal Affairs, Chairman of the JIC, MI5 resident psychologist, Sir Harry Pearce, Ruth Evershed.**_

_HS_: Good afternoon. Before we begin I'd just like to reiterate that there are those who wished this Inquiry to be broadened to encompass the entire career of Sir Harry Pearce. I, for one, believe it fortuitous that that intent is no more. There was no desire to investigate his past before Albany and thus, I believe, no need after it, other that to sully the reputation of a previously honest and reliable officer of her Majesty's security services.

Sir Harry are you ready to face the inquiry panel and receive the recommendations and verdict it will duly reach?

_HP_: Yes, Home Secretary, I am.

_HS_: Miss Evershed, you are also here as an associate of Sir Harry who is directly linked to the case being reviewed. Are you too ready to face its verdict?

_HP_: There is no reason for any verdict to be reached against Ruth, Home Secretary, she has done nothing wrong, the fault is all mine.

_DG_: Relax Harry you don't need to leap on your charger and don your armour yet, afterall I believe that's what got us into this position in the first place.

HS: Miss Evershed?

_RE_: Yes, Home Secretary, I am.

_HS_: Firstly let me call for the testament and report from our resident psychologist.

_PSY_: Home Secretary.

_HS_: Please begin, doctor.

_PSY_: I have spoken at length to both Sir Harry, Miss Evershed and indeed several of their colleagues. My first conclusion is that Section D is unhealthily awash with guilt.

_DG_: Surely that is in the nature of the work we do?

_PSY_: Forgive me, sir, but the guilt they feel has little do with their work, almost all of it revolves around Harry and Ruth and as for the two of them, themselves, they are mired in guilt and self recrimination.

_DG_: Is there anything we can do to help assuage that guilt?

_PSY_: Well, I believe it would help them all considerably if they were told the truth about Albany?

_DG_: _nods and looks questioningly to Home Secretary_

_HS: _I suppose your business is secrets. Very well.

_DG_: Thank you Home Secretary.

_RE_: May I ask a question?

_HS_: You may.

_RE_: What truth about Albany?

_HS_: You did not tell her doctor?

_PSY_: We discussed it only hypothetically. I had no remit to tell her the truth.

_RE_: Please, what truth?

_DG_: Albany is a weapon that does not work Ruth, a deterrent only.

_RE_: Does not work? Why were we not told?

_HS_: Needs must, Ruth.

_RE_: (_to_ _HP_) Did you know this?

_HS_: Please address your questions to us.

_RE_: Did Harry know this?

_DG_: Yes he did.

_HS_: Ruth, are you feeling alright?

_RE_: _Head bent, leaning heavily_

_HS_: Do you need some water?

_RE_: No, no thank you I'm fine.

_HOD INT AFF_: Is it a disappointment to you that Sir Harry was not willing to give up as much as you thought?

_RE_: A disappointment? No! It means he is still the man I thought he was, that his principles are still true.

_PSY_: Does it make you value him more?

_RE_: Yes.

_HOD INT AFF_: Shame, most women would want the grand gesture, hey Harry?

_HP_: Ruth is not most women.

_HS_: Please let us move on, Doctor would you continue.

_PSY_: Since we have raised the issue of Albany and it's status I would like to answer a question you posed to me in my briefing, that of whether I believe Sir Harry would have reached the same decision if Albany had been operational. I firmly believe that he would not and that is one of the reasons why his team have found it so difficult to cope, because his decision was so out of character. Their loyalty is deep but their disappointment in his decision was palpable. I think if Sir Harry had had to make that decision and had to let Miss Evershed die to prevent the loss of Albany he would, though professionally I would not like to have predicted how he would have coped with the consequences of her loss.

_HS_: Do you believe he made his decision based upon his feelings for Miss Evershed?

_PSY_: He loves her, yes and I believe that did inform the choices he made but there is much complication to their relationship. I think his decision was based upon a career marked with the loss of his team members, losses he often could do nothing about or deaths he had to watch as they sought to protect innocent civilians. Miss Evershed's rescue was something he could achieve without the loss of life, merely the loss of a national secret, and his own career, or indeed freedom. I believe that Sir Harry made his own choice, regardless of his orders to maintain the secret because he judged Miss Evershed's life too important to him.

_HS_: Harry, do you wish to comment upon this?

_HP_: No.

_DG_: Doctor you say that their relationship is complicated, how so?

_PSY_: They have an incredibly powerful relationship and yet they have no relationship, this is their enigma. I believe they can no longer work together as they have, their difficulties with each other are affecting their team and I also think they're own decision making.

_HS_: Thank you doctor. Is there anything else?

_PSY_: No sir, merely my recommendations.

_HS_: So.

_DG_: In conclusion, Harry you have disobeyed your explicit orders, you have handed a national secret to the Chinese, of all people, you have, in short, committed treason. And all for the love of a woman.

_HP_: And the best analyst you've ever had.

_HS_: Harry we have decided that we will abide by the recommendations of the doctor's report. Her opinion will be the basis for our verdict. Do you wish to say anything?

_HP_: I did what I did and would do it again, no one will truly know what was in my heart when I make that decision and no one ever will. Whatever punishment you choose to give me, I will abide by and not protest.

_HS_: Good. Miss Evershed?

_RE_: Home Secretary, Harry is the best, most honourable man I know. His choice may be one of which you disapprove, but everyday he makes decisions that would chill the blood of any ordinary man and yet he makes them and he lives with them and if he is wrong he will admit it and he will set it right and always he will regret and suffer. However wrong or right his decision was please understand that he will have made it for only honourable reasons.

_HS_: Well said but possibly all too late. Doctor, your recommendations.

_PSY_: I recommend sir, that Sir Harry be suspended for three months with no pay.

and that Miss Evershed be suspended for the same time but receive full pay.

_HP_: She has done nothing..

_HS_: Quiet, Harry.

_HP_: She should not be punished.

_RE_: It's fine, Harry.

_DG_: For god's sake will you too stop trying to protect each other again.

_HS_: Thank you, if the two of you have both finished. Anything more doctor?

_PSY_: Yes, sir, there is an addendum to this recommendation.

_HS_: Go on.

_PSY_: I would insist that the time of their suspension is spent together in an attempt to resolve their relationship.

You have two of the finest officers in the service, who have the ability to be a formidable partnership at work and who privately have the potential to each satisfy and fulfil the other. I believe they and their team would flourish should they resolve their problems and find a way to tell each other, what we all know, of how strongly they truly feel.

_HS_: Thank you doctor. Harry, Ruth I won't don the black cap and call for you to be led from hence but I will demand that the two of you leave here together and inform you that you are both banned from the grid and will not be allowed entry to Thames House for three months.

I suggest you go and book yourselves a holiday, somewhere hot, Greece maybe…

_HP_: (together) Paris.

_RE_: (together) Paris.

_HS_: Wherever. Now please go away, bang your heads together and as my son says 'get a life'.

* * *

Fluff alert...


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the reviews they are positively addictive and inspirational (not sure in which order). I own nothing of the characters, forgot to say as usual. Short but fluffy chapter to keep you going and as you can now see we are back to normal mode.**

* * *

Harry and Ruth walked from the room.

They said nothing.

They walked down the long, resonant corridor. They left the building and crossed the street. And eventually they found themselves standing looking out at the river.

Finally it was Ruth who broke the long silence.

"I don't know whether I feel like I've just been told off by my headmaster of my parents."

"I'd say both," said Harry and for the first time in a long time he smiled, he smiled at her.

"How come everyone else seems to have an opinion on what we should be doing?" asked Ruth.

"Maybe because we don't."

Ruth sighed.

Harry decided to be bold.

"Do you think we need to be a bit more spontaneous, then that way we won't have time to think about what we're doing and mess it up?" he said.

"That would probably help."

"Okay."

"Okay, what?" she asked.

"Let's have dinner, tonight.."

"Go wild with impetuosity, Harry," she teased.

"Give a man a chance, Ruth," he said, a little exasperated that she had interrupted him.

"To show you who he really is?" she echoed his words back to him with a thinly veiled smile.

"Indeed, well said, Ruth, I couldn't have put it better myself."

And now she did smile.

"However, what I was going to say, before I was so rudely and impetuously interrupted was, why don't we have dinner, tonight, in Paris?"

"What?"

"Paris, tonight, together, that's if you'd like to?"

She simply stared at him.

He wondered if he had gone too far and so he began to just talk, hoping she would stop him with a yes, or, god forbid, a no.

"We could go home, grab our passports throw a few things in a bag and get a train, be there by this evening, what do you think?"

She was still staring at him and then she blinked and turned away.

He sighed a deep, painful sigh and looked at the river.

"Harry?"

And there she was standing by the open door of a black cab, "I'll be about an hour and a half. See you at St Pancras," and then she had turned and was gone.

Harry looked at his watch. Smiled. And blessed the Home Secretary.


	6. Chapter 6

**More fluff!

* * *

**

Harry stood in the station. Ruth was late.

He shouldn't have let her go on her own, she'd had too much time to think about everything, too much time to realise how crazy the whole idea was.

He was tucking the package that he'd requested from Tariq into his pocket when he saw her striding across the station carrying a small, a surprisingly small, holdall.

"I didn't know how much to bring," was all the greeting he got.

"Don't worry," he said, "If we need more we'll just buy it," he looked at her bag, "and a bigger case."

She nodded, a little nervous and apprehensive, but she was here.

"Were you thinking I'd changed my mind?" she asked.

"Not at all."

"You were weren't you?"

"Yes." Said Harry. "And did you? Nearly change your mind?"

"Yes," said Ruth and they both grinned lopsided grins at each other.

But they were here.

"Come on," said Harry and they boarded the train.

**xxOxx**

"I've booked a suite, it's got two rooms. I think you'll like the hotel."

Ruth looked at him and there was a strange look in her eye, he wondered if the last thing she had wanted was two rooms, but surely she would be more comfortable with that.

"Ruth, what is it?"

"It's not somewhere you used to go with Juliet, is it?"

He laughed and she looked at him harshly. "No, Ruth, I'm sorry for laughing but it's certainly not somewhere I went with Juliet, this is just for us."

She looked out of the window and he saw her reflection, it was much softer.

**xxOxx**

They were at the hotel desk. Harry was right, she liked it, what she had seen of it so far, it was small, intimate and very French. The receptionist asked for their passports and names. Ruth reached into her bag. Harry was ahead of her, he produced two passports and announced that they were Mr and Mrs Towers. Ruth controlled her expression and smiled sweetly at the receptionist.

"And you are with us for a week?"

"Yes," answered Harry looking at Ruth, searching for approval.

Her look was beneficient.

As they walked to the lift, their bags waiting for the bell boy behind them she whispered, "Towers? Does the Home Secretary know we are travelling under his name, Harry?"

"I thought it was rather appropriate and perhaps a little wiser than travelling under our real names."

She smiled. He thought she was doing rather a lot of that lately and it made his heart glad.

He blessed the Home Secretary.

The room was beautiful with three floor to ceiling windows which overlooked the Seine.

"Oh, Harry, it's beautiful."

"I'm happy you like it."

"I'm so glad you never came here with Juliet."

"Ruth, please forget Juliet, I promise you that the relationship I had was nothing compared…

The bell boy entered with their meagre bags.

"Where would like these?" he asked looking at the identical doors left and right.

Harry looked at them too and wondered what to say.

"They're fine just there."

The bell boy dropped them at the back of the sofa in the middle of the room, neither left, nor right.

He left.

"Do you want to change, or anything?" asked Harry.

"No, I need a drink," and she did. A room. Two rooms. With Harry. In Paris. Suddenly she needed a drink.

"Do you mind if we just go out and explore and find somewhere small and local and lovely."

"No, Ruth, I don't mind at all."

**xxOxx**

They sat in a small, intimate restaurant that appeared to be full of locals, not tourists and then raised their glasses of red and they smiled and they felt strangely at ease with the world.

Their meal was simple but elegant, their wine smooth and moreish, their company simple and relaxed.

And then Harry broke the spell.

"Ruth, the psychologist…"

"What about her?"

"She mentioned the guilt we were both feeling.."

"Please, Harry, please. I can't do this now. I will talk to you, I promise, but I don't want to start thinking and spoiling a magical evening."

He was content enough with the words 'a magical evening'.

He nodded, "that's fine. I'm just glad you're happy. You are happy, aren't you Ruth?"

This time she nodded.

They sat and watched the world go by. Content.

"So, what do we do while we're here, Harry? Visit the museums, stroll on the streets, sit in the cafes?"

"Yes, an excellent plan, wish I'd thought of it," he said.

"And then what?"

"If you're not bored or sick of me, then we move on to somewhere else, your choice."

"I think I like this new, impetuous Harry," said Ruth smiling.

She expected him to smile back at her but he didn't. He looked at her with an incredible intensity and then he got up, took the two strides to her side and pulled her from her chair and kissed her, much as they had on the quay before she sailed, with all the passion, all the need, all the unspoken words.

The diners looked up at them and smiled and then turned back to their meals.

Gently he pulled away from her, "I'm not sure you can call waiting to repeat something for four years, five months and twelve days, impetuous, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time."

Ruth looked at him, "sit down Harry."

They sat and she looked into the depths of her wine and to the napkin in her hands and to the other guests in the restaurant.

"I'm sorry, Ruth," said a repentant Harry.

"For what?"

"For embarrassing you."

"You didn't, you just surprised me. I didn't think that the next time we kissed would be in the middle of a crowded restaurant."

"Oh," he said, much relieved, she had thought of kissing him again.

A moment passed between them.

"Four years, five months and ….."

"Twelve days," he added.

"Yes, twelve days….?" She asked.

"Well, a man likes to know how long between kisses, Ruth."

She smiled, she couldn't help it.

"Perhaps next time there won't be such an extreme wait," she suggested, playfully.

Harry smiled, "that would be good," he said.

**xxOxx**

They walked back by the river.

The night was still but cool.

Ruth shivered and looked at the Seine.

"Why do we always find ourselves by a river?" as she said it his jacket slid around her shoulders.

"Harry, I'm fine, really. You'll get cold."

"Ruth, I'm fine. I promise you that it could snow now and I'd still feel plenty warm enough inside."

She smiled at him, bashfully.

"Thank you."

**xxOxx**

They walked into their hotel room. Suddenly the tension that they had abandoned in the restaurant was back with them tenfold. The two bags sat side by side in the middle of the room, not knowing whether they should be left, or right, together or separated.

"Nightcap?" said Harry.

"No, I think I've had enough, thanks."

"Tea?"

"No, really I'm fine, Harry. In fact I'm a little tired."

"Okay" he said, thinking the best thing was just to procrastinate and see what she did.

Ruth picked up her bag and looked left and right, she settled on left.

"What time is it Harry?"

"Midnight."

She opened the left hand bedroom door and dropped the bag inside.

"Midnight precisely?" she asked as she walked back towards him.

"No, one minute past."

She picked up his bag and walked back towards the bedroom.

"One hour and fifty one minutes," she said.

"I'm not with you," he said watching her intently, she dropped his bag next to hers, he was fixated on it, on their two bags together in the same room.

"One hour and fifty one minutes and counting."

"I'm sorry, Ruth…"

He could not understand why she was moving their bags and yet so intent on the time.

"I thought a man liked to know how long between kisses," she said and smiled.

And suddenly he understood.

"It already feels like a lifetime, Ruth," and as he said it he was crossing the distance to her with great purpose and expectation, vowing to never leave it more than an hour ever again. And he blessed the Home Secretary.

* * *

**Pos something more, maybe.**


	7. Chapter 7

Her hand was across her face, fingers outspread like some face hugging creature from Alien. Not quite as he had pictured it.

Harry was awake. He lay on his side and watched Ruth, who was facing him, at least her face would be facing if it weren't for the hand. He wanted to move it so that he could see her but he didn't want to wake her.

And so he waited.

Eventually he became aware of a change in her breathing and knew she was waking up.

He waited.

Her hand twitched and then moved away to reveal the face which he had hung on patiently to see for the last hour and a half. It was a face suddenly and totally filled with horror as her eyes focused on him, she gasped slightly and without hesitation ran to the bathroom taking the top cover of the bedclothes with her.

For a moment that Harry had dreamt about, for something in the region of the last seven years, it was not quite as envisaged. He lay on his back and looked at the ceiling and sighed.

Ruth stood in the bathroom, she was leant against the sink, breathing deeply.

She looked up and watched the tears rolling down her face. She had to go back to him.

The bathroom door opened. Harry didn't move. His forearm was resting across his eyes.

Ruth got into bed, she lay on her back alongside him. She didn't say anything.

"Well, Ruth I know it's been a while but I've never had a woman practically run screaming from me first thing in the morning."

There was no amusement in Harry's voice. He was still thinking about the look on her face when she realised who she was in bed with.

"Harry, you don't understand."

"No, Ruth I don't."

She hesitated, not knowing how to begin this conversation.

"It's….George."

Harry felt it like a stab in the side. And of course it made sense. She had spent her nights with George, the tall, fit, swarthy, young Cypriot, the man who's death she still blamed him for, whether she would admit it or not. That's what she was used to and instead she had woken up with him.

"It's just that I often used to wake up and find his arm, his hand across my face and just now…well it felt the same and then I moved it and I half expected to see him and instead I saw you."

It was just as he thought.

"It's okay, Ruth, you don't have to explain," and he swung his legs around and sat on the edge of the bed about to get up.

"No. No please, Harry, don't go," she had grabbed his arm to stop him. He paused but other than that did not turn towards her. Her hand fell from him.

"Please, Harry, lie down."

He resumed his position lying on his back, his arm now tucked under his head, waiting for the rest of the disappointment she could pile upon him.

But she said nothing.

Finally a hand stretched across his stomach and she felt him tense at her touch.

"You don't have to Ruth, I know there's no comparison."

"To what?"

"To George." His tone was curt, he was hurting and suddenly she realised what must be going through his head.

"Harry, you truly don't understand. Anything."

"Clearly not."

"Listen to me," and she was on her side now, her head propped up on her right arm. She was looking at him but he was looking at the ceiling, anywhere but at her, "When I with George…"

"Yes, I know, when you were with George you were happy, your life was simple and elegant, he was a good, honest man.."

"Harry, shut up."

He did but he scowled at the ceiling.

Patiently she continued, "when I was with George,….when I woke up his arm, his hand was often flailed across me…. I would move them and see his face, but often…..often, I dreamed that it was your face that I would see. Just now I did."

Now his head turned from the ceiling and he looked at her.

"It surprised me, shocked me, took me back to that. Took me back to the guilt I've always felt about it. The guilt that I was being unfair to him, to want you."

Harry's heart lifted. All that he had thought for so long had been turned upon its head.

"But I'm here now, Ruth," he whispered softly, "I always have been. Just waiting."

"And that's the problem." Her tone was a little angrier.

"You. Harry have you been with anyone else? When I was in Cyprus did you meet anyone else?"

"I meet lots of people, Ruth. If you're asking me did I sleep with anyone else, no, I didn't."

"Why?" she demanded insistently.

"I didn't want anyone else. I wanted you."

"And I wanted you and yet I…. bedded down with the first nice man I met."

Harry said nothing.

"And I came back and there you were looking at me with that same soft expression hoping all was as we'd left it on the pier. And it wasn't because I couldn't…I didn't wait like you and for that, because of me, a man died, a man I cared about but who I always wanted to be you."

She stopped and took a deep breath.

"But, Ruth, I was at home, on the grid, surrounded by memories of you. But you, you were living a new life, in a new country. You're young and beautiful, you should have tried to be happy, you were right to try and move on."

"But I failed you."

"You did no such thing."

"Harry don't ever not be there when I wake up."

He smiled at her.

"As long as you promise not to look at me the way you looked at me this morning. I'm not sure I could take that again."

"How do you want me to look at you?" she asked, her face radiant.

"Like you're looking at me now."

She nodded.

He turned to face her. They were still neither of them touching.

'Ruth, close your eyes."

She did as she was told. He said nothing more for a little while.

"You're asleep, you're happy and life is wonderful….and now...now you're waking up."

She opens her eyes and looks at him and smiles warmly, tenderly, lovingly.

"Hello," she says.

"Hello," he says and then he reaches out for her, pulling her close and kissing her like it's the first time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay, this and one more and then I'm back to the beach! Hope you are still enjoying, even though it's moved away from its original dialogue/transcript form to something altogether more fluffy!**

**

* * *

**

How could one woman spend so long looking at books?

Harry leant against a wall that ran alongside the Seine. Ruth had stopped at every makeshift bookstall that ran along its banks, and there were a lot of bookstalls.

She had looked at classics, philosophy, poetry. He thought she had probably looked at everything but sport and actually even that wouldn't surprise him.

He watched her chatting happily and with great animation to the latest stall holder she had encountered. With anyone else he would have been bored senseless, but as it was he couldn't have be more content. He could have watched her all day, watched her enthusiasm, her passion, her excitement.

She wandered over to him, latest book in hand.

"It's a third edition, very obscure text, I've only seen it in…."

"Ruth, we need a bigger bag."

She stopped and looked at the bulging bag of books he was already carrying.

"We need a case," she said, "I'm sorry, Harry, I think I got carried away."

He laughed. "Why don't you keep a couple with you and the rest we'll post back home."

"Post! We'll need to hire a container if I carry on at this rate."

"Well, let's go back to the hotel and drop them off in the mean time, or I'll be lugging them for the rest of the day."

"Good idea and while we're there we can have a bit of a siesta."

"A siesta, Ruth?"  
"Yes, a siesta, Harry"

"But I'm not tired."

"Neither am I," she said and squeezed his hand and smiled a bashful smile.

* * *

Ruth was waiting for Harry to get ready to go out to dinner. She ran her hand over the pile of books, incredibly pleased with her discoveries. Two books sat separate, they were the ones she had chosen to keep with her. As she looked at them she saw what looked like a bookmark sticking out proudly from the book of poetry. She pulled it out. It was indeed a bookmark, bearing a painting of the Eiffel Tower from the turn of the century in sepia colours, it was very pretty. She assumed the bookseller had included it with her purchase but then as she went to return it to the book she realised that the plain white back was far from plain.

_Ruth, I love you._

_I have loved you in Paris _

_And I will love you in Rome._

_I'll love you in Madrid, _

_And I'll love you across Europe._

_Wherever we are, together or apart,_

_I will love you._

_And even if you should not want me,_

_I will love you still._

_Always._

Ruth reread it many times and then she touched it to her lips and tucked it back in the book. When Harry came out of the shower she said nothing.

* * *

They were sitting side by side at a table in yet another small, intimate Parisienne restaurant.

They were laughing. If anyone had asked them what was so funny they couldn't have explained. Whatever it was was funny and they were happy and that was all that mattered.

Ruth's laughter suddenly quietened and her face became a little more serious. She put down her wine and removed Harry's from his hand returning it to the table and then she took his face in her hands and kissed him.

"What was that for?" he whispered when his lips were finally free of hers.

"I don't know," she said, "it just seemed a good idea at the time."

"I think I like this new impetuous Ruth," he said, "don't stop."

* * *

They sauntered back to the hotel, content beyond words.

When they reached their room Ruth went to take off her makeup whilst Harry picked up his one purchase of the day, a small collection of Kirchegaard. He immediately noticed the bookmark sticking out of the top.

_Je t'aime, Harry._

_I promise to tell you in every language I know, _

_and those I don't I will learn, _

_just so that I can tell you that I love you. _

_And if the tongue should ever be gone from my head,_

_I will strive to tell you with the look in my eyes, _

_The look I see in yours, _

_Everyday._

Harry reread it many times and then he touched it to his lips and tucked it back into his book. When Ruth came out of the bathroom he said nothing but he did kiss her and then for the first time he said it out loud and so did she – in English.


	9. Chapter 9

**Epilogue**

"Another one has arrived, sir."

"What's that, Emily?"

"Another card. This time from Berlin."

"Let me see."

The Home Secretary looked at the postcard. It was a view of the Brandenburg gate at night. Very impressive. On the other side it was addressed to William Towers, Home Secretary with the full and proper address. On the message side was written nothing whatsoever.

"I don't see the point," complained Emily, "that's six of them and all with no message.

"It's a mystery," said the Home Secretary and smiled as she left his office still muttering. He opened a drawer and dropped the card in with the others from Paris, Madrid, Rome, Vienna and Prague.

_One week later._

Emily opened the door. The Home Secretary looked up and smiled and rose from his desk.

Harry, closely followed by Ruth, walked into his office.

"Harry, good to see you," the two shook hands.

"Ruth, you too," he said nodding and smiling warmly at her.

"So, I know you have been well travelled but how are you and how are…things?"

"We are both very well indeed, thank you," replied Harry.

"And...things?" dared Towers again.

Harry smiled, "I think I better let my wife answer that one."

Towers looked at Ruth a smile spreading slowly across his face.

She beamed at him serenely, "Things are just wonderful. Thank you, Home Secretary."


End file.
